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May 7th, 2005
09:59 pm - moundain dew and rum
it's 10:05 on a saturday night and I have called Katy, Leah, Kristine, and Wendy and the first three were not home and wendy is tired and doesn't want to go to the bar-- so I'm thinking of hopping my bike and going by myself... weird? Desperate? sexy and mysterious??? I don't know, my feet are dirty because I was at a campsite and fell into the river when I was trying to balance on a tree trunk when I was high. I really want someone to spoon with me-- Andy said he would for 5 bucks-- Derek's ex-wife was there, damnit. Asher would but Sara doesn't think I should encourage him (and what about the 40 something guy passed out on the ground who woke up long enough to say I had sexy legs?) I just got high and sat and watched people-- didn't say anything-- wonder if they think i am a waste of skin-- why was I even there if I wasn't talking?? Why should I talk? What do I have to say? Couldn't drink too much because I had to work tonight at 9pm-- was going to stay over night but shouldn't since I have to work at 7am.. No one's calling back.. Clarissa is gone-- everyone should be calling me and making sure I am OK and not lonely!!!!! Listening to Atmosphere and eating crackers with PARKAY on them. Thinking about going to rascals and seeing if Tedd is there and if he wants to come home with me and pet me cause he's so good at that.
Playing Spider Solitaire with four suits to see how far I can get.
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May 6th, 2005
05:51 pm - the begining
I am writing this May 6, 2005. In many ways, the first day of my life. Until this point I have been shuffled through the lingistics of life, sometimes having descisions made for me, and other times making small descitions for myself. But now today-- the day that would have been my graduation day if I hadn't dropped Syntax and perhaps if I hadn't slept through my Salman Rushie Class at 2 in the afternoon so often when it was the only thing I had to do that day, or if Salman Rushdie wasn't such a good writer, or if we had only have to read Midnight's Children instead of both Midnight's children and Satanic Verses, or if I hadn't hated and felt socially akward with all those people in my class, or if I hadn't felt socially akward ever in my life, or if I hadn't gained 60 pounds in the last 4 years,, then I might be graduating). Instead here I am alone in this apartment, which I like but will make me lonely and sad and miss ex boyfriends I never really loved. And it's beautiful out-- the most perfect perfect perfect whether at 6pm on a friday all of which makes it perfect. And it's the first day of my life. I say this because now I have to make some decisions, I have to grow and learn and do something, or I have to get high and get drunk and have sex and learn and do nothing. Or a combination of everything but I have to decide. After June, when I have presumingly passed Syntx after going to it for 4 weeks M-F at 7:45... After then I can do anything, or nothing, and I'm afraid of what I will choose. I am afraid to have free will, but I'm afraid not to at the same time. What if I work at payless forever and gain another 60 pounds? They will probably fire me once I weight 270, I have never seen anyone working at a payless that weighs that much, they can say they don't have a weight limit but they do, everyone does.
My entire life is marked by how much I weighed... In 5th grade when I was wearing a size 8 in women's when everone else was still wearing Girls clothes and we had a field trip to the mall and I was chosen to try on clothes and have the other kids draw pictures of me-- what kind of fucked up assignment was that anyways?
Or in eighth grade when I weighed 130 pounds-- the same as my friend autumn and we were the same height and we didn't like phy-ed and our phy-ed teacher got us mixed up. But maybe we didn't like phy-ed because we were the tall kids-- not petite and atheletic but tall and akward. Where did I learn not to like phy-ed? At some point I had to decide what kind of person I was going to be and I wanted to drop easily into one category, instead of what I am now which is a mixture of different ones but never quite feeling comfortable in any of them. (drinking generic sprite out of a wine glass).
In 5th grade I remember thinking-- should I be a band person, a jock, the smart kid, the class clown?? I wasn't the jock-- I didn't care if we lost our 5th grade basketball games-- I only shot at the hoop when I was fouled because I was too shy to try otherwise. I wasn't a band kid because I didn't care and I couldn't read music-- and I was too shy to be in a concert. I was the one who read books. but what's special in that? Are you really accomplishing anything, spending all your allowence on baby sister's club books instead of toys or candy or clothes.
I have to end this now-- at 6:08 pm-- the sun streaming in on my bed and the fan blowing on me at high and take a nap.
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May 4th, 2005
03:13 am - more bitterness
tedd,
with your mustage that curls and your name was two D's, yes I will remember that, in your baggy jeans and sweatshirt, your necklace and your table-bong, the night we saw the band Hooch, then came back to my place to watch "The Lorax" and we are the best petter I have ever known.
Emo
How can I forgot, no, more like, how can I remember? I was blacked out when you walked me down those basement steps-- hey-- let's go in the basement, against my better judgement naked with you until 6am, I knew you were an asshole, but your fro is so cute.
Guy on the radio, I forgot your name. You were akward which I usually find atractive but aparently not in my bed in the morning after drinking and not remembering why I called you and asked you to come over so I could meet you and mall you and sleep with you next to me. And you wouldn't let me spoon you because you were too much of a man.
David,
What might have been if you were not in love with Christy who is the biggest republican bitch, suck up, fucking dirty dick shit bitch lick fuck. I can't stand her and I knew you liked her but thought maybe you could like me more once you saw what a fake she was. I know she has lost a lot of weight and I have gained a lot, and she is pretty but she manicure's her nails and that alone should make you want to barf, but since it doesn't I think maybe you aren't for me. But I promise you I am a lot more fun then her.
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02:46 am - bitter
fuck you assholes
who waited and watched while
I showed you the true me under
moonlight after gin and tonics
at the bar
or vodka leamonades out of a two liter bottles
fuck you assholes for holding me for
petting me so sweetly for kissing me and whispering
naughty things in my ear
for
unzipping your pants and presenting your penis like I had won a prize
fuck you assholes for allowing me to bounce around my room in underwear and feel sexy
when really you knew all along you wouldn't call me
When I giggled and teased you and sucked on your neck and
you were looking at your watch wondering when I would drive you home
thank goodness
for alcohol,
chubby chasers and
assholes,
cause without them I'd never get laid.
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April 26th, 2005
01:08 am - You kiss like a stripper
sick today but it worked to my advantage-- I didn't want to go to classes anyways, I love staying home and I love my bed. I don't know if I love my giant tummy or not. Get's in the way sometimes. I want to write a lot more this summer, describe people, become a non-fiction author.
Margaret
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April 19th, 2005
12:05 am - Oh my god it's april
It's beautiful out, but I can still sleep 4 hours in the middle of the sunniest afternoon, don't worry. Always in the back of my mind I think--- I'll change once (fill in the blank) happens (summer?? ect)
My ex-boyfriend e-mailed me to tell me he's in love.
My other ex boyfriend rubbed his hand all over his ex-wifes knee in front of me on saturday night while I gulped Sparks and Vodka and I realized I've had the most pathetic relationships of all time :)
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October 29th, 2004
07:28 am - oops
oops i drank last night and now I'm up at 7:29 in the morning because the alcohol is wearing off and keeping me up... and no one else drank with me which sucks.. it's my birthday weekend and I plan on drinking every day! I am going to have such bad diarea by the end of this weekend!
Derek's in my bed right now. He stayed over tuesday, wed and tonight. Tues and Weds he had to get up at 3AM to get to work at 4AM in Rochester. he took this fri off and we are going to a rally/march in the morning and than at 5pm critical mass which is a bunch of people meeting and riding around on bike s(we are going to ride to the new super wal mart in town and protest-- then at 6:30 is an awsome concert at Rascals-- The Sandman-- he's sooo good and soo hot! :) rar! Sat. my parents and grandparents are coming to take me out to birthday lunch, clarissa is making me birthday dinner.
I made a sign for the march that says, "Go back to Texas ASSHOLE" hehe.
I have slept until 4pm the last two thursdays, I wonder what it is about thursdays-- I haven't felt good for over a week. I am speaking at the rally-- the female student activist view on the election and what is at stake for women. I am just reading off a sheet of paper though-- I have to apply to grad school soon.
I want to wake Clarissa and Derek up and make them play with me.
Oh yeah. Derek is 28, has a mohawk and a go-tee (a long one). And he is always wearing a flannel. hehe. Um he works at Home Depot. He has an ex wife, but they remain friends. he's nice and fun to have sex with. I think we like each other but it's not that serious.
I'm dressing up as Rosie the Rivitor for Haloween. I'm also dressing up as, "your grandma on crack" hehe. I mean for a different party.
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October 21st, 2004
10:41 pm
hmm, this week has been intersting, I don't think in a good way. It has been way busy and I feel behind-- this sunday is Rock For Choice so it will be a relief when that is over with! The girl I am working with that on has been making snide comments on me not getting things done or something. Whatever. My mom's coming for it.
Last Sunday night was "Cider Fest" in which the Punks from Winona, La Crosee, Rochester and The Cities made alcoholic cider, play games and then a concert. I fucked the cider and went right for the vodka-- it was my goal to get fucked up and I definately did. I ended up making out with this guy from the cities, and with a guy i've been friends with for a while and had a crush on before (Ricco), AND this guy named Derek who I had seen around but just kind of met that night. And this was all basically in front of them and stuff.. Then my friend Katy who was looking out for me took me home but I wanted to go to the after party, so I was balling on my kitchen floor, I woke Clarissa up who didn't come, and then I left on my bike to go to the afterparty. (pretty shitty thing to do to my friends) They didn't want to take care of me anymore and then Clarissa was worried too. At the after party I had conversations with a couple of people and then ended up taking Derek home with me. Derek and I had fun the next day we spent it in bed and then went to perkins-- I skipped my classes.
On Tuesday my sister called to tell me she was pregnant and I was sooooo excited and I know she was and Rick and my parents, but my mom called me today to tell me she had a miscarriage. If you know my sister please don't tell anyone-- what a hard thing to go through, I'm sad about it, I'm sad for her. It's just such a shitty thing. I don't know know what to say about it.
Yesterday I saw Micheal Moore in Iowa and it was cool to see him-- I started crying because my dad is a republican, I know that might seem silly but it makes me soo sad because I love him and respect him sooo much, but I hate what the republicans are doing-- espcially bush-- if it were anyone but bush it might not be so bad-- it Wouldn't be so bad!! Mostly I am sad for the people in the War.
That seems like a really simple sentence and it is.. but.. I don't know.
Then today I woke up and felt like shit so I slept until 4 and then from 6-8, now I am working on some homework maybe and watching and movie with clarissa and tommarow I work and Derek said he was going to call me (because he live sin Rochester and comes to Winona on the weekends) but Clarissa said I shouldn't get my hopes up -- look what happened last time (Andy). It was just nice to be held and to spoon, I needed it a lot.
Love you,
Margaret
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September 23rd, 2004
01:36 am
Hi.
www.issues200.org there is a quiz you can take to see what canidate most agrees with you. Is everyone registered to vote??? Autumn? In MN you can register the day off the elections which I think is great!!! :) I want to do a lot to make sure people are voting this October. I have been having dreams about the election!!! I did some sewing last night-- really fun. Got a paper due Mon and Wed Next week. This sunday going to see Ani DiFranco and Margaret Cho- they are doing a "Vote Damnit" tour! :) Should be cool-- maybe go see Andrea in the cities before the concert.
Autumn, what's the name of that wine you said was good and you could buy in a jug for 9 dollars?
I can taste and smell the rum I had tonight and I didn't even have that much, just one shot and one drink-- it was really sweet. I mean literally not metophorically. I wish I could wake up... sometimes I can't. I'm scared to go to bed.
but I might not be able to get to sleep since I haven't even been up for 12 hours- oops, duh.
Night :)
Marg
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September 10th, 2004
07:52 pm
Go see the movie The Garden State-- so good, and while you are out buy the soundtrack-- also really awsome! :)
Read two Acts of Romeo and Juliet today-- geez it took me a long time-- took a nap :) Had a plesant day off from work.
Toight going to Punk show at a bar-- don't know if I'm going to drink yet because this morning I was puking up water because I had too many self-made margaritas (Margaret's Margaritas-- get more and more strong as I get more and more drunk!) Sight of Tequilla made me feel sick this morning and I will probably have diarea all tommarow if I drink tonight--- BUT-- i like punk music so much better when I am drunk!!! It feels good pulsing through your body!
Tommarow: work 7-7:30 and 10-3, homework/laundry/nap??? Later that night: camping and music at a festival, drinking? I'm not sure I can handle it: Sunday: More Romeo and Juliet.. Why don't I have some hot 12 year old in love with me?
(new movie coming out called Birth in which Nicole Kidman falls in love with a 10 year old- the reincarnation of her dead husband---- HOT!)
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August 28th, 2004
12:23 am
as long as I wrote all this out for autumn:
margdivachild: that's true... I get impatiant, for example there is this guy named Dustin and I had two classes with him last year, the last one was a poetry class and I'm pretty sure he wrote this poem about me and how much he liked me, because it had specific things we had talked about in it, and the girl in it sounded like me. Then we get together this summer-- watch a movie, nothing happens, a hug goodnight, and usually I can make the first move, but this time I can't. Next time he comes over to watch a movie I can't stand it anymore and I say-- do you like me because if so I want to makeout,-- because, I love to makeout and I haven't made out not drunk with someone for like 6 months, and he says he can't get close to people because of his parents so for now he wants to be friends.. so anyways, i'm not going to wait around for him anymore, and we are just going to be friends. but there is something to say for anticipation, I am just too impatient to ever wait and have anticipation..
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12:06 am - Jesus
so I'm not doing anything on a friday night, and last night I went over to a friends for two hours-- smoked a lot-- came home at 12 (in my defence I thought their clock said 1, and now that I think about it that's not really in my defence I just sound stupid) .. I haven't really been in the mood to party (although I was last night until I got really tired and uncomfortable when it was just me and katy and aaron and issac because katy and aaron i always think would rather be a lone then with other people and issac i just feel weird around and didn't think i could really hold a conversation with him for that long)
Our "group" has not been hanging out lately. it's kind of sad. Clarissa and I have stayed home a lot lately. Katy and AAron have been hanging out by themselves. Erin hasn't really called any of us. I think we are breaking up=-= although Katy called yesterday and we all got together with Megan and Ricco.
So I think the social dynamic will be different this year-- we'll still hang out but probably not as much, and we might meet different people and hang out with different groups-- well I hope so, because now I do kind of feel like partying, I know I will when school starts and everyone is "working for the weekends" or whatever.
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August 25th, 2004
02:08 am
Autumn-- thanks for the encouraging message!! It was very nice! You are so right about having to say you don't know what you are going to do being scarey- and disapointing to your parents! I mean, my parents at least think I should have a plan :( They aren't really preasuring.. but, you know... Of course I had a GREAT time visiting you!!
I have some goals for the school year which is weird because I don't usually set goals because I know I will break them and be disapointed.. here they are:
1. Do more stuff in La Crosse
2. Sleep only 8-9 hours a night. Maybe 10, maybe more on the weekends .....
3. possible start jogging
4. excersize 2-3 times a week at Curves
5. Possibly give up cheese
6. possibly not drink as much..??
7. hmm, I guess putting "possibly" gives me the oppurtunity to back out.. oops. I want to do well in my classes and get something from them.
8. Read more.
I don't know, there might have been some other ones, mostly not sleeping so much-=--- no naps, they just make me feel shitty. I need to use my time wisely if I am going to do well in school and work as much as I plan to-- and have fun too...
I start school on Monday..
Thanks for listening,
Margaret
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August 22nd, 2004
08:54 pm
I wish someone read my journal as often and with as much interest as I read Jess's. Then again, his journal is interesting and insightful. Mine is just depressing but I'm going to try and fix that.
Just two depressing things: I've been breaking out in hives and I lost my wallet.
On Aug. 30th start classes: Computers in Society, Reading for Writers, Advanced Prose, Shakespeare TRagedies, Comparative Lit, and Women Studies field expereince.
I'm a little worried I won't be able to find a job, and that I'm too lazy to hold a full time job.. that would not be good.
Gotta go, love you,
Margaret
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July 29th, 2004
12:34 am
I just logged in and realized I was too high to write anything.
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July 17th, 2004
02:15 am
I feel rage inside, discust, at me, at everyone.
I'm so sad.
No, angry
.
No desperate.
Just stupid.
***
Spoke to Noah on Tuesday night and everyone told me it was a mistake to see him but it's not seeing him and it's not talking to him that makes me sad, it's when he leaves and I know he's not in my life anymore (even as a friend or confidad) that is what makes me sad.
When makes me even more sad is to hear about the girl he is dry humping and how nice and funny she is and how he won't get jealous and posesive with her like he was with me and how he's going to give up smoking for her-- something he would never do for me and how this makes me want to vomit and sob at the same time but I just smile and pretend I think it's great.
Also saw A. and who I assume is his girlfriend riding their bikes in circles in the streets-- she was looking as fucking adorable as ever. Discusting.
I feel frusterated and vulnerable and my friend K. was being mean and annoying tonight. Grrr.
I'm as low as a hoe,
Marg
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July 11th, 2004
06:48 pm
They should have fat sweaty people on the advertisements for Yahoo personals. I'm prefer it.
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July 1st, 2004
12:47 am
laying in my bed listening to Lucinda Williams, drinking ice tea, feeling cranky/like shit.. so many emotions, want to sob.
I went and saw Feirenheight 911 tonight-- really want to talk to someone, no one's on. I'll probably be up late since I have been working third shift but they called and said I didn't have to go in today. I'm so fucking pissed about the war and all this shit-- I can't express it. I'm so sad.
Anyway, who cares.
Noah e-mailed me. Grr. Just makes me insane. I am honostly unstable sometimes.
Later.
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June 24th, 2004
08:24 am
Ideas for possible songs:
Over-eating is the bomb
All my friends ride bikes
I'm going to get fingered tonight
***
I want everyone who reads this to suggest a grad school for me to go to and what I should study there--- thanks
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08:02 am - there is a thin line between chocolate and poop---- my esopegus
I have thought of so many funny, witty things, interesting things while working third shift (packing bottles into boxes):
1. Why isn't it masculine for men to love other men sexualy? Shouldn't that be extra manly? To be such a man that you will only have sex with other men?
2. Calling a sex hot-line is just like getting a cat; you just need someone to talk to who won't judge you (and who will get you off).
3. Don't ever apologize for being "human"; butever (I just wrote "butever", like however and but, haha, had to leave it) you might consider things to be "human" when really they have been constructed by society and therefore you shouldn't bet yourself up for feeling it (ie she has bigger boobs then me I wish I had her boobs, boyfriend, and malibu jeep) but just be consious of why you feel that way and try to get your emotions from things that are real and are important.
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